As soon as I had finished and thought I hadn't been classified I'm afraid I wasn't the nicest person to know for a while as I internally kicked myself all over and over again, completely missing the chance to congratulate the others on their achievement and making it plain that I didn't what to hang around in Morzine to look at the finishers village, go to the pasta party, have a drink or anything!
The car was parked at the top of the 13km road out of Morzine and to get there we had to go in the cable car. Obviously that's where everyone was parked and the queue for the lift up to the cable car was massive so we had no option but to walk up the very steep gravel path carrying our bikes, to queue to get in the cable car, to then queue to get on a bus and get to the car park. It took about an hour and I must have said about 3 words in the whole time. We got back to the car, put the bikes on the back, I managed to pull myself round a bit and got some fellow finishers to take a photo of us with the medals and caps on then it was Michael valiantly volunteering to drive despite his cramp for the 2 hour drive to St Gervais.
Added to my hissy fit was the fact that the protein bars and energy gels I'd forced down had had a somewhat extreme effect on my digestive tract and the conditions inside the car led to what Michael described as the most uncomfortable car journey he'd ever been part of! Dec was mentioning something about the Bopal disaster and the Geneva convention which had outlawed chemical weapons in 1925.... With main roads still closed we were diverted onto the small roads down and back up the valley and as I was complaining that I didn't think the backs of your hands could sweat and that I'd burned my thumbs in the heat, quick as a flash Michael said "you should have put thumb cream on then!" That was it, everyone corpsed in the car and my gloom was broken! I finally realised I was being a bit of a selfish prick and we started to discuss how it had gone for everyone else. So....
Dec's Race
With the threat of being hunted down like a dog and with more bluffing over the last few days than a poker champion, Dec had set off 37 minutes (it's important that this is exact!) before me and Mark and had Michael about 20 minutes behind him. He told us that with the safety blanket of us possibly coming past if he was struggling and an extra 37 mins to outpace the broom wagon he was in a good place and just took it as it came. Steady away over both the first 2 climbs, he wasn't phased at the riders coming past as he had 6000 people behind him and just concentrated getting round. On the flat 29 miles across the valley he had lots of people to get into trains with and this had saved him lots of effort and he pretty much just granny geared it up the final climb to finish. Michael had come past on the flat bit before the climb and as far as he knew had beaten him to the finish. He'd finished at around 4.10 and had expected to see us all at the finish thinking he'd just missed us going past him. (yeah right!) He hadn't, he'd bloody won! Adjusted time 7hrs 44minutes.
Michael's Race
Bombing down from the start, Michael found the first climb tough because of the gradient, but managed up it ok, taking it easy on the descent and then loving the climb up the Colombire. The flat bit across the valley is his speciality as he's got loads more power than the rest of us but also the most weight to carry up the hills. He smashed across the valley at around 20mph, making up the 20 minutes start Dec had on him and turning up the final climb of the Joux Plane first. Only about 1km in though his chain came off, queue buggering about for 15 minutes sorting it, at which point unbeknown to Michael or Dec, Dec came "tearing" past (can you count 4mph as tearing?!) Just a little way further then the cramp that got me on the Colombiere got Michael as well in exactly the same place, both hamstrings. And that was it for Michael as regards any sort of chance in the mini race. Michael was to spend the longest time on the unremitting heat of the Joux Plane and its all credit to him that he managed to get over it and to the finish. And he still beat me by a considerable margin....Adjusted time 8 hours 19 mins
Mark's Race
Marks race was pretty similar to mine without the suffering and with a lot more waiting about as I heaved my lardy arse up the climbs, while doing all the hard work in the wind on the valley floor as I sat in his slipstream wheel hugging! If he hadn't been my loyal domestique until the foot of the Joux Plane he'll have finished much, much higher. We'll get to how much he destroyed us all on the climbs in a bit. The best bit looking back on the footage of his backside for the 5 hours I was stuck behind him was the descent of the Colombiere where he came past me at light speed and we proceeded to cock about passing people inside and outside until the bottom! With out the time he waited for me at the top of the first 2 climbs he would have been much further up the field....Adjusted time 7 hours 58 minutes
My race you heard about yesterday..... The only thing I forgot to mention was that I heard my phone ring in as I was half way up the Joux Plane yesterday. It meant only one of 2 things, that Declan had finished already, or someone had died. I wasn't sure which one I would be more upset about so I ignored the call....! Adjusted time 8 hours 32 mins.
So the results are in!
Yellow jersey goes to Declan O'Brien! Not wanting to be a sceptic but if in the real race a rider came from so far behind questions would be asked, blood samples poured over and his bike x-rayed for a hidden motor! However the advantages of living in the beautiful south instead of the frozen north and the temperature acclimatisation that it brings , the litre of beetroot juice and 3 pots of porridge he had for breakfast and most importantly his sheer bloody mindedness, determination and the fact that he was, and still to a large extent still is, an elite athlete means he was (grits teeth!) a worthy winner! Chapeau #henrithetortoise!
Polka dot Jersey for the king of the mountains goes to Mark "no arse" Noble! As part of the race there were official time stations that logged the chip on our race number up the 3 categorised climbs. Ultimately on long Alpine climbs, power to weight matters. At just over 12 stone and 6 ft 2 Mark is the tallest and lightest and boy did this show! The fact that he has also tackled the hardest race in the UK the Fred Whitton race in the Lakes a couple of months ago shows what a fantastic cyclist he is. Results are as follows;
Col des Aravis
Mark 36mins 50secs
Michael 40mins 22secs
Me 41mins 05secs
Dec 44mins 35secs
Col de la Colombiere
Mark 59mins 15secs
Michael 1hr 10mins 06secs
Dec 1hr 12mins 13secs
Me 1hr 23mins 11secs
Col de Joux Plane
Mark 1hr 35mins 54secs
Dec 1hr 48mins 00secs
Me 2hr 06mins 59secs
Michael 2hr 44mins 14secs
A pretty comprehensive victory I think you'll all agree! If Mark hadn't waited for me his position overall for the climbs of 7,461 would have been around where he finished, pretty impressive! The well established fact of lightness is best going uphill is massively demonstrated in the results, as is the effect of getting massive cramp in your hamstrings, me on the Colombiere and Michael on the Joux Plane.
Green jersey for the best sprinter is for old thunder thighs himself, Michael Timmins! Although there was no timed race sections for the 29 flat valley miles, his Strava data and the fact that he caught and passed Dec, from starting 20 mins behind him means he wins this by a mile! Averaging nearly 20 miles an hour along this bit is seriously impressive!
So the only (mythical) jersey left to give out is the highly respected and fought over (really it is!) Lantern Rouge named after the last rider in the Tour De France. That goes to me! In the real race it a careful balancing act between maintaining last place and not being eliminated at the end of each stage and I feel it is a rightful resting place given the traumas I experienced at the finishing line! Of course it was just the finishing that mattered and not the times and where I came (I can't believe I'm writing this horsesh***! of course it mattered massively! I'm gutted!) But I am now going on a crash diet ready for next year!
With the results poured over, a quick shower and screams from the shower as Mark got soap in the sores on his non-existent backside, we retired to the pizza establishment in the town and ordered a massive pizza each, 4 lots of garlic bread and 2 lots of chips. Oh and 4 large beers.......after eating virtually none of the above and me getting about half the pint down I was done. Michael finished me drink off and we were going to go to the pub next door to watch the end of the France v Portugal game but to be honest we all just wanted to go to bed! Just before we left on the table opposite were a group of people with Tour De Celeb t-shirts on. We'd heard about this earlier in the week, apparently Channel 5 have commissioned a show in which they put 8 "celebs" though 3 months of coaching and training with Victoria Pendleton and they would then attempt the Etape du Tour and where in the race with us. Dec asked one of the girls who the celebs were and if they had all managed to get round. To our horror as well as some ex athletes Darren Gough, Austin Healy, she also said Louie Spence! "did they all get round?" we asked hesitantly? "yes, they all finished" she replied. Silence. She returned to her meal and we all looked at each other. "If Louie Spence beat any of us round that race I'm chucking the medal into the river!" There then took place a mad dash on the phones as we tried to get to the results page to see his time. We put his name in, no result. We then googled him, but we'd spelt his name wrong. Put in the right name, and up it came...........9 hours 11 mins!!!!! Fantastic! we had beaten him!
With that it was time to cut our loses and return to the apartment with just enough time to swear at Ronaldo as he hammed it up pretending to be the Portugal manager for the last few minutes of extra time and then it was lights out on what had been an extraordinary day!
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